Wednesday, April 14, 2004

In the Loop

We caught up with Mr. Cheney after the President’s news conference last night, as he was quietly leaving by a side door…

Reporter: Mr. Vice President (VP), how did the President do tonight?

VP: Excellent, and we are close to finding WMDs in Iraq.

Reporter: But Mr. Cheney, it was difficult to figure out exactly what the President was saying in response to our questions…

VP: Exactly. We have been practicing together for our upcoming 9/11 Commission testimony, and last night was really just a dry run.

Reporter: And what was the strategy he was using last night – and the strategy you both will use in front of the 9/11 Commission to answer their questions?

VP: Well it’s clear that Iran & Syria, and possibly Botswana, now make up the new axis of evil.

Reporter: You mean there is a new axis of evil?

VP: Right, and the FBI should have known about this all along. They’ve been out of the loop.

Reporter: The FBI has been out of the loop??? I don’t get it. You are answering my questions with answers to other questions.

VP: You are either with us or against us.

Reporter: What? I never said…Look, why won’t the President ever admit he makes a mistake? And doesn’t he realize that if he even gave a hint of an apology about 9/11, his approval rating would probably shoot up to 70% overnight? It would be seen as a sign of strength, not weakness.

VP: It’s nobody’s business who I go duck hunting with…

Reporter: OK, let me get more specific here – last night the President was asked at least three times, in different ways, whether he ever admits to doing anything wrong…

VP: Yes, and if Americans will just be patient, we are close to finding massive amounts of WMDs in Iraq.

Reporter: Your responses seem sort of mechanical, like the President’s last night - like a computer in an endless loop – do you think the President will be ready for the 9/11 Commission questions?

VP: No.

Reporter: No??? Why do you say that?

VP: He’s been out of the loop.

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