Three Days to go Before the Commission's Questions...
(Inspired by Maureen Dowd's N.Y. Times column, Fri Apr 22)

(For an explanation of the asterisks, see the end of the post)

Heard outside the West Wing by our able and sneaky reporter...

Speechwriter: You both know, Mr. President, that at least you will need an opening statement, and possibly you too, Mr. Vice President.

POTUS*: I am not speaking in public anymore after the last press conference.

VPOTUS*: But Mr. President, we're NOT speaking in public. It's a closed hearing and we are not even under oath. You are going to need to be ready to answer any off-the-wall thing they might ask.

POTUS: I talk better with gestures than words. I'll just shrug a couple of times and let them figure out what I mean.

Speechwriter: I don't think I've written a statement consisting only of body language before. What was so bad about the press conference?

POTUS: I didn't like the answers I was being fed in my earplug and then it went dead at the wrong time, right when I was getting asked repeatedly if I ever made a mistake.

Speechwriter: So you just...

POTUS: ...shrugged three or four times - let 'em figure it out. Shrugs ... and pregnant pauses...

VPOTUS: Pregnant pauses??? Even elephants give birth after a couple of years!

Speechwriter: OK, well let's figure out how either of you would answer questions from someone like that bulldog, Sen. Bob Kerrey.

POTUS: Yeah, he must be running out of campaign money by now.

Speechwriter: No, I think you are getting mixed up Mr. President - you are thinking of your opponent, Sen. John Kerry.

VPOTUS: Look, it's no problem with this Kerrey either - we'll cut him up in shreds just like Ashcroft did with Commissioner Jamie Gorelick. All we have to do is keep the fear of cataclysmic end-of-the-world thinking in front of the Commission or continue to blame 9/11 on the Commission itself, just like we do everyday with John Q. Public.

POTUS: Oh come on Dick - even I'm getting tired of the WMD baloney.

VPOTUS: It's not baloney - we just found another huge cache of canisters in Libya! .....50,000 canisters..

Speechwriter: Yeah, of RAID.

VPOTUS: So what? The Commission doesn't need to know the details. We need to keep pushing this victory with Qadaffi. He's now a 'good guy'.

Speechwriter: Maybe we should keep off of Qaddafi. His elevator doesn't go to the top floor...

POTUS: Huh, what do you mean? It's stops where it shouldn't? Sounds like the terrorist that he is.

Speechwriter: Um, Mr. President, I was just using a figure of speech about Qaddafi. How smart can the guy be? He's been President of Libya for 35 years and he is still a Colonel! Anybody with brains would have promoted himself to General by now, don't you think?

POTUS: Right, that's how it worked in the National Guard - I think...

Speechwriter: Yeah, Qaddafi's the kind of guy who would order a grilled cheese sandwich and then yell at the waiter to hold the cheese...

POTUS: He would? That doesn't sound right to me. Where's Tom Ridge - I need to get him on this right away...

Speechwriter: Um, never mind, what I meant to say was that Qaddafi is not playing with a full deck...

POTUS: A full deck???

VPOTUS: Speaking of not playing with a full deck, can we get back to work? Maybe the speechwriter can help you out, Mr. President, by coming up with some new shrugs...

(The prep continues...)

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* POTUS is the Secret Service acronym for President of the United States, pronounced PO-TIS
VPOTUS - Vice President. See Richard Clarke's book, Against All Enemies.