Dear Mr. President...

Excerpts from John Ashcroft's Resignation Letter (along with the translations to clarify the high fascist neocon-speak used)

November 9, 2004

Dear Mr. President:

Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

Translation: Over to you W. I'm outta here.

The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling. Americans have been spared the violence and savagery of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

Translation: Amazingly, I lucked out. Now it's time for someone else to complete the work I started rewriting the Bill of Rights.

Corporate integrity has been restored with the work of your Corporate Fraud Task Force. As a result United States markets have reinforced their position as the trusted allocators of the world's capital resources.

Translation: Ok, this is a little bit of an exaggeration, but I have done as you asked and kept Ken Lay out of jail so far.

Thank you for your leadership which has made these and many other justice-related achievements possible.

Translation: Finally, we can execute people outside the country without benefit of unnecessary trials or defense lawyers.

The demands of justice are both rewarding and depleting. I take great personal satisfaction in the record which has been developed. The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. The rule of law has been strengthened and upheld in the courts.

Translation: Ok, so we didn't get Bin Laden, but we now have the unprecedented ability to terrorize our own people while they think we are going after the real terrorists.

Therefore, I humbly state my desire to resign from the office of United States Attorney General.

Translation: Give me a call if you don't understand the word 'humbly'...and keep me in mind when Rehnquist retires.

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made.

Translation: ...because I don't trust my own staff, much less the rest of the country, and because I know you won't read this anyway.

I am grateful to you for the profound honor of serving under your clear, principled leadership.

Translation: ...but can I raise the threat level to 'Red' one more time before I go, just for old times sake?

UPDATE:..."and selecting Alberto Gonzales as my replacement is a stroke of genius, Mr. President. Only you would have the brains to select the former counsel for Enron and the justifier of Abu Graib. What a choice!"