Tortures-R-Us

Our near-Pulitzer Prize winning journalist was on the job again early this morning, positioning himself under some heavy winter coats in the Senate Judiciary cloak room so he couldn't be seen. While no transcript of the activities took place, he reported that the man nominated for Attorney General was practicing for his confirmation hearings with the help of an unnamed conservative senator on the committee. Our reporter first tried to make some money on the side by presenting his report to the Daily Show - but the script was rejected as not being satirical enough, and definitely not being funny. So reluctantly he provided the script to this blog. Here it is in its entirety, and I am proud to have this scoop on the blogosphere:

Senator X: Ok, let's get this going. I've got to get out of here before anybody sees me. I'm going to call you AG (for Attorney General), and I'm going to ask some of the tough questions you can expect to hear later today at the hearing.
AG: Hmmm 'AG' - that has a nice ring to it since it's also my initials.

SenX: Let's get serious. I'm going to put the heat on you right now. You've been accused of advocating torture of prisoners, executing minorities in high numbers, and laughing at the Geneva Conventions. How do you respond?
AG: As my favorite comedian Pat Paulsen used to say: 'Picky, picky, picky.'
SenX: Well, we need to put a human face on you or you wouldn't get confirmed even on Hitler's personal staff. How about we start with your childhood. Can you think of an event or incident when you were young that set you on your course to the Cabinet?

AG: Yes, that's easy - in 9th grade biology we were supposed to dissect a dead frog, but that wasn't very exciting, so I stole some of the teacher's hydrochloric acid out of her locked cabinet and put it in a large beaker. I then took one of her live lab rats by the tail and upside down dipped it into the...
SenX: Ok, Ok, I get the picture. Let's try another line of questioning. Your boss has his hair on fire about trial lawyers. Are you going to be putting your priorities there at first if you are confirmed?
AG: No, that's all a smokescreen I worked out with W.
SenX: Smokescreen? What do you mean?

AG: My real target is the jury system. I'm going to do away with it in the next four years.
SenX: Do away with the jury system? You can't do that - how will you justify that to the public?
AG: Oh that one's easy. I'll show that we will save billions and billions of dollars that we can use to pursue the war on terror - and maybe put a few dollars here and there toward education and social security.

SenX: But saving a ton of money won't offset the loss of individual rights will it?
AG: It did in Texas when I was their AG. I saved a million dollars for the state every time I executed someone.

SenX: But you mostly executed blacks and you executed more people than the next ten biggest states combined.
AG: I was just carrying out the provisions of the original U.S. Constitution.

SenX: Enlighten me, what do you mean by 'the original U.S. Constitution'?
AG: I'm surprised you don't know your Constitution, Senator. Try Article 1, Section 2, Clause 3. Slaves were counted as 3/5ths of a person, so just doing some simple math, I should be able to execute more of their descendants, right?

SenX: Are you insane? You can't say that at the hearing today. People will begin to believe you support slavery, as well!
AG: Why not, a lot of people do, and it's being taught in many school systems again around the country. In fact, my mansion in Georgetown is just too big for the wife to take care of, so a couple of slaves might come in handy.

SenX: You are nuts. Let's talk about something else. Don't you realize when you called the Geneva Conventions quaint and outdated that you put our own troops in danger? And isn't your advocacy of not allowing legal counsel to the prisoners in Cuba, and locking them away for life, a tad over the top in terms of human rights? What happens when our soldiers are captured and treated the same way?
AG: Hey, this is an all-volunteer military, isn't it? If they are a bunch of wimps, they ought to get out.
SenX: They can't because of 'stop-loss.'
AG: That's Rummy's problem.

SenX: I'm getting nowhere with you so far, so let's try yet something else. There's been a lot of commotion about the election process again, and in fact today, the electoral votes in Ohio may be challenged just down the hall. What are you going to do about the alleged 'irregularities?
AG: Doesn't matter. I've got my vote counting system in place for good. We won't even have another close election for the next 100 years.

SenX: How can you be so sure?
AG: We'll be getting all of our judges on the bench, and I've already perfected the computer programs to eliminate unwanted voters...
SenX: Such as?
AG: Blacks, Jews, Democrats, Muslims...
SenX: ...and Muslims. Great just what we need right now.
AG: Personally, I think Jerry Falwell said it best: '...chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord.'***

SenX: I think I've heard just about enough AG. You are truly a madman and...
AG: Oh, I think you will change your mind by the time the hearings start. I have it on good authority that you saw Fahrenheit 9/11 and that your blood line is 1/16th Middle Eastern. That's enough right there to lock you up indefinitely for questioning...
SenX: You've got to be kidding me. I'm a U.S. Senator and...
AG: And it's pretty easy to create evidence if I need it. For example, I've already got some photos of you and your 16-year old senate page...
SenX: That's outrageous. I've never... you son of a... (pause) hmmm, on second thought, I don't see any problem supporting your nomination, and I'll recommend that my colleagues do the same.

AG: Thank you senator. I knew you'd see it my way. As my first act as AG, I'm having a large sculpture of Joseph Mengele installed in the lobby of the Department of Justice. That will help set the tone for what I'm going to do afterwards...

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*** CNN Late Edition With Wolf Blitzer, October 24, 2004